Big Tall Armpit Ecstasy

As I sit here in the pharmacy parking lot I wonder how it is that I find myself in this situation.  I’m steeling myself to go in and buy an over-the-counter drug test.  Why?  Because I’m wondering if my date slipped me a mickey.

Let me back up a few days. 

I made plans to meet a guy whose profile name was something akin to Big n’ Tall – not very creative – that should’ve been my first clue to move along.  But, we chatted and flirted.  I was on the fence about him, but I thought there was enough there to deem him worth meeting.  Plus, he was 6’6” so big and tall is a reasonable statement, not necessarily just an innuendo.

He worked from home and had made himself sound like a fairly successful programmer who worked for himself.  He said he lived downtown in a condo over the lake and that he frequented the hiking and biking trails that Austin boasts, which were conveniently right outside of his front door.    I’m picturing a cute (his pictures were cute), nerdy, bright, successful professional who is tall and fit…Well, people aren’t always in line with expectations.  We’ll get there.

We made plans to meet one day for happy hour after I got off work.  He proposed meeting at a dive bar located in a parking garage just across the river from downtown.  Now, a parking garage is not ideal for a first date and in most cities I’d steer clear.  Austin, however, is replete with small, trendy places that probably wouldn’t be able to get away with their MO elsewhere.  Here, we keep things weird and relaxed.  So, I looked the place up before I committed and it checked out, so I agreed. 

On the appointed day, I check my make-up after I get out to my car, and appraise my appearance.  I decide that the little sun dress and platform sandals is still everything I thought they were when I got dressed that morning and throw the cardigan that made the outfit work-ready into the back seat.    I brave the bumper-to-bumper downtown traffic until I get to the river, which always takes longer than it seems it should.

I find the parking garage, park, go in.  It’s a cool place, a total dive bar, but it has good atmosphere.  It’s not too busy so it’s easy to scan the crowd for him.  He’s there waiting, sitting at a table with a drink.  I go to the bar and order myself a cocktail and he motions to the bartender to put it on his tab.  I get my drink and go to his table. 

He stands up to greet me.  He’s wearing some knee length athletic shorts and a sleeveless t-shirt – no points for care with his appearance, but he did say he was walking from his place and it was hot outside.  He hugs me, but not front to front.  He does a weird side hug thing and since he’s 6’6” and I’m 5’8” the side of my face ends up planted in his shoulder - right up against his deodorant-laden armpit.  I’ve just been slimed with cheaply perfumed roll-on and sweat.  Lovely. 

After cleaning my face off, I sit to have my drink.  Instead of apologizing for sliming me he comments, “Wow you really are only 5’8.”

Apparently, I’m some strange mutant for being normal height. 

“Is that a surprise?” I ask.

“Yeah, actually, most women who are taller claim to be 5’8” or 5’9”, but really they’re more like 6 feet. 

“Oh,” I say.  ‘Sorry to disappoint?’ I’m thinking.  This date is not looking promising. 

He proceeds to tell me all about tall women he’s dated, including one who hit on him in the grocery line when he was in school.  We finish our drinks.  He suggests going for a walk on the hike and bike trail. 

I’m thinking a change in venue sounds like a good idea and a walk along the lake sounds nice.  It’s only 6 pm so there’s plenty of summer daylight left and lots of people will be out and about, so sure.  “That sounds nice,” I say.  He settles the tab and we go outside. 

We walk the short distance to the trail, but he takes me a specific way that isn’t the most direct way to get there.

“Where are we going?” I ask.

“Oh, I want to take you to my favorite spot.  It’s just over this way.”

“But the trail is that way.” I object, pointing.

“Yes, but it’s more direct to go this way.  We’d could go that way, straight to the trail, but it would be a longer walk.”

This way is across a couple of major streets and several parking lots, but still in the general direction of the lake and trail.  There are plenty of people around so I go, but I’m actively deciding what my exit strategy is if this date takes a bad turn, well, as worse one.  We finally get to the trail and hikers and bikers are everywhere.  Just as I think, ‘We’re finally here, relax and have a walk’ he points out that he lives in the apartments right there.  ‘Oh, great’ I think, wondering how quickly he thinks he’s going to get me over there.

We walk a short way down the trail and he takes me to sit on the dock in front of his complex.  Truthfully, it is a nice spot.  I relax a little, thinking that maybe this was his plan all along, but not completely ignoring the warning bells in the back of my mind.  We watch a boat go by – all of the paddle boats that give Austin tours come this way and from the dock’s vantage point you can watch them turn around before the water gets too shallow under the interstate.  Then they pass back by going the other direction.

“Would you like a drink?  I can go grab some.”  He offers.

“That would be great, thank you.”  I say.

“Don’t you want to come up?”  He asks.  I shake my head ‘no’. “Water or beer?” He asks.

“Just water.”

“I’ll be right back.”  He leaves me sitting on the dock and disappears.  I start thinking about what I expected when I went to meet him – the nerdy, cute, successful, early thirties professional guy.  I think about the impression he gave of the high-rise condo bachelor life.  This guy I’m here with is semi-cute, but can’t talk about much that requires an intellect, is wearing a wife-beater, and this is a run-down, well-worn complex, not some high-rise high dollar condo.  I don’t want to seem shallow, but the impression given and the reality don’t match.

After a few minutes, he returns with two bottles of water.  He hands me one and I start drinking it.  After several long drinks the bells in the back of my brain get louder to the point that I give them my attention.  ‘Was that bottle sealed?’ I wonder.  I don’t remember having to turn the lid hard to pop it open.  It was full, I did notice that, and now I’ve drunk nearly half of the water.  

“Was this a fresh bottle?”  I ask.

“Yeah.  Well, I wash and refill bottles.  It was clean.”  How Earth conscious of him I think wryly.  “Why do you ask?”

‘Why?’ Do I really need to explain why?  I give some lame answer like, “I just was curious.”  We keep talking, but as the conversation continues I decide it’s time to end this date.  I’m noticing the sun start to lower in the sky and for some reason now my tongue is tingling.  I’m getting a headache.  I want to drink more water, but not this water.

“I think it’s time for me to go.”  I say.

“Oh, but we could watch the sunset here.” He objects.

“That sounds nice, but I have some things I have to take care of tonight.”  I reply.  I start walking up the steps from the dock to the trail.  There are fewer people now, another reason to get moving back toward my car. 

He follows me and leads me across the apartment complex.  “It’s shorter this way.”

He stops next to one building and says this one is his.  He asks if I need to use the restroom before I walk back.  ‘Umm. NO. No, I don’t want to be lured into your apartment for who knows what.’ 

“No.” I firmly say and keep walking. 

I know generally where I am, so even if he decides just to go upstairs and not walk me back I can find my car, but he comes with me.  He walks me to the garage, but this date does not end with a hug or a goodnight kiss.  As soon as we get close to the parking garage, he disappears.  I turn toward him, but – POOF – he’s just gone.

I feel okay, just a bit off.  So, I leave, wondering what that was all about and trying to keep my mind from imagining all of the things he might have intended if he had successfully gotten me into his apartment.  I stop at the nearest convenience store and grab a large Gatorade and a snack.  I drink as much as I can and eat so that there will be something in my stomach. 

The next morning, I still feel off.  I don’t feel drugged or out-of-it, just off.  There’s no other reason for me to feel off than him having put something in my water.  I don’t like that thought.  I don’t like that I didn’t realize the bottle wasn’t sealed.  I don’t like a lot of things. 

So now, here I am two days later to buy a multi panel OTC drug test.  The results: all negative.  But I know I didn’t feel right.  If it had been positive, I’d have done the right thing.  I’d have taken it seriously and called the cops, but I had nothing to report.  I’ll never know what exactly that was all about.  I’m actually glad I don’t.

How did I end up here?  In short, I didn’t call it like I saw it when he wasn’t someone good.  I didn’t listen to my mind or my intuition when it said this wasn’t a good date.  I let it go too long.  Yes, I recognized that he was trying to get me alone in his space and didn’t fall for it, but I should’ve called it looong before then.

When I started writing this blog entry I thought I could make this date story humorous.  It isn’t, but it’s an important lesson.  Put yourself out in the world, but be observant of the things around you.  Listen when your intuition says something is wrong.  Keep your wits about you.  Be Safe.  Be Sane.  Be Consensual.  Always.