As Represented

Be as you have represented yourself to be and expect the people you meet to be as they represented.  Simple, easy, clear.  If you lie about yourself just to meet me it’s a hard end to our date.  No if’s, no but’s, no and’s.  If you lie about it to anyone else, they have a right to do the same. 

My first point: use recent photos of yourself and have fun taking them.  The important thing is that they look like you.  Make sure they are recent and that your appearance hasn’t changed appreciably.  You don’t have to look like you belong on a magazine cover, but do keep in mind that your photos and profile are your resume in the virtual dating world.  Put flattering pictures of yourself out there, not that weird shot taken from an odd angle.  

When I made my first online profiles I didn’t have anyone around that I felt comfortable asking to take pictures of me.  I tried asking my kids to snap a few shots, but they were terrible -  odd angle here we came.  So, I bought a selfie stick and took a lot of pictures with it.  With some patience, I got good candids.

One of the pics I keep on my profile is that (dreadful) bathroom selfie, but taken with the selfie stick, not as a mirror reflection.  I’m wearing a dress with no makeup and it’s a great picture.  However, one of my bras is on my vanity stool.  I tried to crop that out, but cropping it made the pic fail the pixel requirement for the site.  It became an impromptu screening test.  Most men don’t comment about it, but I have gotten several ‘I see your bra - heh, heh’ messages.  Thanks for failing my maturity test - we won’t be having a date. I do have to say that I’m oddly impressed by the ones who accurately guessed my bra size. 

Know that people pay attention to what you have sprawled across your countertop - just FYI.  If you use a bathroom selfie, minimize the clutter and make sure the mirror is clean.

Moving on.  I want to share two stories that came to me via discussion on dates.  They were first date horror stories that dates shared as we chatted.  They serve to illustrate my other points.  My second point: everyone, including you, is allowed to have preferences.  

A nice-looking man I met for brunch told me the following tale of woe.  He met this woman online and started chatting with her via email.  She didn’t want to talk on the phone or even exchange pictures at first.  After several weeks of good written conversation, they finally exchanged photos.  She was cute, shapely, and African American.  He described a smooth, chocolate complexion and spunky, short hair.  Glad to know that he found the woman with whom he’d been messaging to be attractive, he continued to put effort into getting to know her.  After several more weeks, and several invitations from him, she finally agreed to meet. 

He arrived at the appointed place and time, and waited.  After a while, a large Hispanic woman with long, straight hair pulled out the chair next to him and sat down.  He was confused.  He told her he was waiting for someone.  She told him that he was waiting for her.  She apologized for being late, but said she had been too nervous to come in and face him. 

After a few minutes of conversation, it was clear this was the woman with whom he’d been trading messages, but she could not be more different from the pictures she had sent.  When he asked about this she said she had taken them off of some random woman’s Facebook page.  She didn’t even know who the woman was.  When he asked why, she asserted that he never would’ve met her if she had sent her pictures. 

He was gracious about it, more so than I might have been.  He had lunch with her and talked for a while, but after he left he ended all contact.  He told me that she was right, he never would have chosen to meet her, but that was his choice to make. 

She wasted his time.  She also wasted her own time.

Fundamental self-misrepresentation can indicate that the person who does this lacks self-confidence. I know we all have imperfections, and maybe even some self-consciousness lurking.  I do too.  However, ask yourself this: if you can’t find your attractive qualities, how will someone else? 

Another man I went out with had a different debacle.  He met a woman virtually and was interested in her.  One night, after they had been chatting for a while, she was out on the town with friends and invited him to come and meet her.  He went. 

When he got there, he immediately knew that something was off. 

Did I mention this guy is straight?  Very, very straight.  She, the woman who invited him to come out, turned out to be a man in drag.  He (the straight guy) got angry.  Her friends got angry at him.  This was not a recipe for anything positive. 

Someone fundamentally misrepresenting him or herself is huge.  The person has created a deception that they thought would get me, or you, to meet them.  As the stories I’ve shared illustrate, this can be intended to get you into a bad situation, or done in hopes that you’ll like them once you get to know them, but that’s not how attraction works.

I have had this type of misrepresentation happen to me once, and I’ll refer you to my post, “The Spider and The Fly” to read about that creepy date.  There was not a second one.

I can accept a lot in another person if I really like them.  However, I abhor deception in a relationship.  My third point: any relationship that starts based on a deception is doomed from day one.  It illustrates clearly that the other person will lie or otherwise deceive when they believe it will benefit them to do so.  I view this as unacceptable behavior.

When I met the men in the stories above, I recognized each one from the pictures he’d sent.  That’s how it should be.

If you don’t meet what your prospective online matches have in mind when it comes to what they find attractive – whether age, weight, race, sexual orientation, or other – you shouldn’t waste your time or theirs.  Don’t put up with people wasting your time.  

Coming full circle:  present your awesome self as you, and be as represented.