This Busy Business

Busy.  Busy is a fine word, but in the dating scene “busy” is mostly an excuse.  My point from the start:  when you reach out to someone and they repeatedly tell you they’re busy they’re not busy, they’re too busy to make time for you.

Before you say, “but, but”, I know it’s a hard truth.  If you’re tempted to say that I don’t understand what it is to be busy please recall that I am a single mom with primary custody, who works full-time managing people and projects, who is actively working to build good things into her future, and who has hobbies and friends.  I understand busy.  Most people are busy (even if relatively more or less so than me). 

Busy people – by which I mean people who have a lot going on in their lives - make time for things that are important to them.  I have dated “busy” men – men who run businesses, or who are achieving goals in their lives.  When they are interested they may not engage in endless chatty banter, but they do make plans and they do follow through with getting together.  I find that when they are interested, these men tend to be good at making plans in advance (even a while in advance) and then respecting the time commitment that they made.

Consider the following texts:

“Apologies but I gotta reschedule.  Just busy beans.”

“I’m grabbing a bit to eat and a haircut.  It’s been good but basically the busiest ever!”

“I’ve been so busy.  My energy for anything else has been limited.”

“Life has been crazy busy.  I’m not sure when I’ll get to catch some fresh air.”

When someone sends these texts they are putting you off.  To tell the truth, I sent that last one.  Here’s why.  I don’t dislike the person I sent it to, but something happened the last time I saw him and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it.  He didn’t really do anything bad, but I was turned off and I didn’t want to commit my time to him when I have limited time available.  If I had been excited about the idea of seeing him, I would’ve made plans.  I try not to do this to people – usually I’m direct when I’m not into someone, but I already had been direct with him.

I know how it feels to have this done to me.  The people who sent me the first three texts were putting me off.  I wish they weren’t, but they were.

Sending these messages is a way of letting someone down easily, or of keeping someone strung along to have them as an option.  If you keep reaching out and don’t get positive responses complete with a desire to get together or get to know you better, then it’s likely that one of these two things is happening.  If the busy texts turn to silence, then it is safe to assume that the person isn’t really interested and they may be feeling that you simply aren’t taking their semi-polite hint.  If the busy texts keep coming, but are non-committal about spending any time together (which really means not spending any time together) you have become an option that the other person is keeping in consideration while they spend their time on other things or people.

You might ask, “Isn’t there a possibility that the person really is just busy?  How do I know the difference between genuine busyness and an option text or blow off?”

Well, yes, it is a possibility.  If you do happen to be dealing with someone who really is just and truly busy, try to convey your interest and let it stand, patiently, while you go on about your business. They are more likely to appreciate that you have your own life and aren’t sitting around frustrated with them.

While I do not have all the answers, here’s the difference I see between genuine busyness and lack of interest.  When someone really is just busy and wants to see you, or cancels because they must (because something really did come up that requires their attention) they do one or both of two things:

1.     They offer you an explanation as to why they aren’t available, usually without you having to ask for it.

2.     They attempt to re-schedule with you.

When you get ‘busy’ texts without these they simply aren’t willing to make time to spend with you.  It stinks, but it is so.  :\  And, yes, I know, it stings.

What do you do when you’re the recipient of “busy” texts?  Well, as much as it stinks because you liked the person or because you feel the pain of rejection, you have to move on.  Even if you really like the other person, they aren’t choosing you and you have to choose yourself.  Value yourself enough not to stay at the whim of someone who is too busy to invest in you.