The Cruel Tricks of Divorce

I know women who honestly believe, and others who fear, that no one will want to date them because they have kids.  This way of thinking is a self-inflicted trick and it IS NOT true.  I’m a single mom with kids. I love them. I wanted them. I wouldn’t change that I have them. It does, however, add a degree of difficulty to dating.

There are plenty of men who have no issue with the fact that you have kids.  However, it doesn’t mean that dating a single mom, or a single parent in general, is for everyone. 

Whether to date someone who has kids is an individual choice.

My advice:  Recognize when to move on. 

When looking for someone, if he says that he doesn’t want a woman with kids, move on. 

If he refers to kids as baggage, move on. 

If he’s looking for a woman to wrap into his life, move in immediately, and be available at his whim, move on.

Unless you are willing to leave your kids by the way-side to be with him – which I’m not, and don’t advise – it’s best that he’s said these things outright. This person cannot accept a very fundamental aspect of you and/or is likely to make unreasonable demands of your time – Move On.  These statements allow you to weed him out. 

There are plenty of men who want you whether or not you have kids.  Yes, they have to be able to accept that you have constraints if you have kids, and that they cannot always be the focus of your attention.  Mature men can do this.  As a side note, even if you didn’t have kids, it wouldn’t be healthy for one other human being to be the sole focus of your attention. I digress.  Anyway.  If a man is not selfish and wants the things you have to offer, your kids will not be a deal breaker.

Some single men want children – either their own, or a role in raising yours.  No, that doesn’t mean that they want to sail in immediately and be a daddy from the start.  Other men have no problem accepting that you have children, even if having children isn’t a priority in their own life.

This issue cuts both ways.  Whether you prefer to date men with or without kids is something you’ll have to decide.  One of my friends specifically prefers men with children – children who are still living at home.  She feels it gives them a better understanding of what she deals with as a parent.  She also feels that she is more compatible with someone who is in a similar place in life.  Another friend prefers not to date men with children, even though she has children of her own.  She says she’d prefer not to deal with baby-mama drama.

Me?  I’m open to men with or without kids.  I have certain characteristics that I’m looking for and need them to be in a package that I find physically attractive.  If he’s got kids; then he’s got kids.  If he doesn’t, then he doesn’t. 

From a practical dating perspective, often the tricky issue isn’t really about the kids; it has more to do with whether or not you can find time to spend together and get to know each other.

I’ve discovered something.  It is easier for me to date a man who doesn’t have kids.  Let me explain why.  I have encountered plenty of interesting, attractive single dads out there, however, the cruel trick of divorce is that most of them have the exact opposite custody schedule with their kids as I have with mine.  If you have a traditional custody arrangement you probably will find yourself facing this same predicament. 

This cruel trick presents a real problem with dating.  I will not have a first date (or probably a second or third) with kids – mine or his.  I insist on getting to know someone a little bit before having them around my children – even in a non-slumber party kind of way.  Also, in general, the dad values and doesn’t want to give up his time with his kids; I value and don’t want to give up my time with mine. 

It’s a Catch 22.  So how do you get around this paradox?

My suggestions:

Meet for lunch.  Lunch is a great option when you are close enough together for the timing to work.  The single dads I’ve had dates with have met me for lunch.  Those dates that didn’t grow into something more didn’t do so for reasons other than scheduling.

Get a sitter.  I have become friendly with some of the neighborhood teenagers and my kids like them.  I also found a service that connects me with local college students who babysit – complete with background check.  I know hiring a sitter can be expensive.  When I decide whether or not to hire a sitter and go to an event I add up the total cost —> TC = price of event + plus sitter at hourly rate.  If the event or date isn’t worth the total cost, then I don’t go.

Trade time with other parents.  Make friends with other moms and offer to trade some time.  You can do this with other single moms, or with couples who want a date night.  The extra expense for a sitter is just as much for them as it is for you. 

Ask a family member to spend time with the kids.  If you have family members close by then ask them to keep the kids for you occasionally.  At one point, I really wanted to meet a particular man, but we were having a lot of trouble finding available time.  I called my mother and explained the scheduling challenges we were having, and told her that I really wanted to meet him.  I asked if she would come spend the night with us and offered to make her a nice dinner in the process.  Basically, I bribed her. She isn’t often willing do this, but she accepted. 

Find a drop-off event.  If possible, plan a date date when your kids have a play date or party to attend.  Or, find a drop-in day care, kids gym, or museum with planned classes or activities.  Many day cares and preschools offer parents’ nights out for various fees and you don’t necessarily have to be enrolled in the school. 

Maintain balance.  I have set myself a rule that helps me be able to date a bit and still spend time with my children – without mom guilt.  When I have them for the weekend, I allow myself one event away from them.  It can be dinner with a friend, a class I want to attend, a party, or a date.  I make sure they have plans as well (even if it’s a movie and popcorn with a sitter), let them know when I’ll return, and I go enjoy my event.

In closing, be willing to make yourself available.  Decide how you feel about men with kids.  Find some balance between your life and your family. Make it obvious that you are looking for a man for yourself, not someone to take care of your children (assuming that, like with me, that is true).  Make it clear that you are willing to do things with him and make time to spend with him, without, and eventually sometimes with your kids. 

Be confident as a woman, be capable as a mother, be willing to find time and you’ll discover that finding a date even though you have kids isn’t as tricky as you might have thought.