Grocery Store Doppelgänger

About a year after I got divorced I met a man who I really liked.  When we spent time together he was engaged and attentive.  The chemistry was absolutely amazing.  He was one of those people who, from the start, I could relax and be myself around.  Don’t get me wrong, I was nervous the first time I met him, but even with that we got along instantly. 

However, after a few months his interest cooled.  I’m not sure why - whether it was due to an awkward misunderstanding between us, to reconcile with his ex, or purely because he wasn’t interested in me.  Whatever it was, he directly bade me goodbye.  I responded with my own sincere goodbye.  The truth was, that while I liked him, I respected that he was up front and didn’t leave me wondering.

I am fortunate.  I have a lot for which to be thankful.  In my divorce, I got the house my ex-husband and I purchased together, but after looking at my finances I realized that I would be house-rich, and cash-poor for a decade.  After ten years, I would, finally, be financially back on my feet – just in time for my eldest child to start college. 

I sold the house, paid my debts, and moved into an apartment in the area of town where I wanted to live.  In the process, I moved four times in fifteen months.  I kept my moving supplies each time, but on the eve of our final move I ran out of packing tape.  It was 11:00 PM on Friday night and the movers were set to come first thing Saturday morning.

I had let my kids stay up watching a movie while I packed, but they had fallen asleep on the couch.  I thought about just going to bed, getting up at the crack of dawn and going to buy more tape.  I realized that that would never actually happen.  So, I plucked up each child and put them in the car. 

We drove to the nearby grocery store.  I scooped them into a cart, letting my daughter lay in the largest portion.  My son sat in the toddler seat half asleep, leaning against me.  I was that mother who has her children up way too late while she’s out running errands.  I had on old jeans, a trashed-out t-shirt, and my hair was thrown up in a disheveled bun.  I wasn’t wearing any make-up and my face was broken-out.  I was the poster child for the old debate about whether it is okay for a woman to run to the store with her hair in curlers, without being put together just so. 

And, I didn’t care…until I saw HIM. 

As I strolled into the store, I saw this man strutting confidently down the main front corridor that runs perpendicular to the line of cash registers.  I recognized him immediately, my eyes widening to saucer diameter in an instant.  He was nicely dressed in a black button-down shirt and jeans.  His beard was tidily trimmed and his hair moved slightly with the motion of his gait. 

‘He can’t see me like this,’ I thought. 

I was frozen in place.  He turned up an isle and I sprang into action.  ‘Tape.  Tape, I came for tape.’  I turned my cart toward the hardware section and bee-lined for it.  At the same time, some other part of my brain thought ‘I wonder where he went?’ 

I got the tape.  I quickly turned and headed for the check-out.  When I was almost there, he popped out from the end of an isle like a whack-a-mole you didn’t know would rise.  He also headed for the check-out.  As it was now 11:15 at night, there was only one register open.  I got in line behind the current customer. 

I kept my head ducked.  I nuzzled my son.  I could feel him behind me.  I suddenly doubted whether it was really him.  Then I realized I was acting like a silly school-girl.  I didn’t want him to see me like this, but I also didn’t want to miss the chance to talk with him if we had, fortuitously, run into each other.  I calmed my mind, took a deep breath and made the momentous effort to turn around and face him. 

He was facing the magazines at the opposite end of the register such that my turn wasn’t visible, even in his peripheral vision.  I took him in from my position at the side of his shoulder blade -  from the calm confidence of his presence to the way the width of his shoulders tapered to his waist.  Then my eyes fell to the bottle of wine that he was holding, and I realized that he was dressed for a date.  Clearly, he was going to meet someone. 

My courage deflated and his name died on my tongue.  I reeled myself back in, choosing to remind myself that I had never introduced him to my kids.  I quickly convinced myself that this was not how I wanted them to meet and I wheeled myself back around. 

The woman in front of me finished paying and I moved forward to pay for my tape.  I took another sideways glance his direction as I paid, but kept my focus on my half-asleep children.  I got my receipt and walked out to the parking lot. 

It took a few minutes to get my daughter back into the car and I wondered whether he was going to come out while I was still there, somehow knowing that he would.  Right on cue, when I looked up after closing my daughter’s door, he was leaving the store and walking right toward me.  I busied myself with carefully lifting my sleepy son from the cart and loading him into the car, while I futilely searched for a better way to hide. 

Then I realized that while he seemed to be watching me, he didn’t seem to recognize that it was me.  Rather, he seemed to be taking in the care with which this random mother in front of him was handling her child.  Apparently, my red zits and trashed out packing clothes were all I needed – the everyday disguise to conceal my inner super hero. 

As I hid behind the shield of my motherly devotion, a large part of me wanted to speak – I knew the chance would soon be gone – but I told myself I didn’t want to startle my son.  He walked right past me and got into the car parked next to mine. 

He waited, politely, for me to finish loading my son and close my own car door before he backed out his car.  As he drove away, I sat in awe of my own ridiculousness.  As my nerves calmed, I couldn’t help but laugh at my foolishness. 

The Universe served him right to me, and I choked on my own cowardice. 

In the end this coincidence ate at me and I sent him a bungled email asking whether it was him or his doppelgänger at the store that night.  I know my message sounded ridiculous, and more detrimentally, contrived.  He never responded to it.  The second I let him drive away without acknowledging him the moment had passed. 

As I write this, I’m shaking my head at myself and smiling, feeling sheepish.  Perhaps my words sound harsh, but know that I realize the truth – that my actions were a reflection of where I was at the time.  There is no point in beating myself up for something I can’t undo.  But I do believe that I let my own ego overrule providence.

Learn from my mistake.  If you find yourself crossing paths unexpectedly with someone you like, don’t duck and dodge. 

Find your courage…Set aside your disguise…Let the shield fall away…and speak.