On Married Men

If you’re a single woman and you’ve been in the dating realm for any length of time you probably have run across your share of married men.  Maybe you’ve been frustrated by this.  Maybe you discreetly like to date them.  Maybe you think they’re horrible people; maybe you don’t.  Maybe some of them are horrible people.  Maybe some of them are in open marriages.  Maybe some of them have permission to wander.  Maybe they are straying for reasons to which you are sympathetic.  Maybe they just can’t handle eating the same flavor of ice cream every day even though they said they would.  Maybe.  Maybe, maybe, maybe.

From a dating woman’s perspective, their reasons for looking outside of their marriage aren’t your problem.  If their wife is lovely, but she just doesn’t like sex anymore it isn’t your issue.  If they’re basically just roommates or friends now, that isn’t your concern to address.  If they have permission to enjoy other women, well, you have to decide whether that permission is legitimate – if not it will become clear in his behavior – and, whether or not you are okay with that based on your own wants and needs.

I’ve had conversations with men who legitimately are in open relationships.  I have never had an arrangement with these men work out for me.  Why do I say “arrangement”?  Well, while I realize that sounds a bit perfunctory, dating people who are in relationships with other people requires negotiation.  You have to have an idea of what you can and cannot accept, and what you are and are not willing to give.  All involved have to be willing to discuss the issues frankly.  Not everyone is capable of the requisite discussion; not everyone can balance the needs of more than one partner; not everyone can refrain from jealousy. 

Some of you may be wondering why I’m having this conversation at all.  Perhaps you believe that if he’s married, he’s off limits, end of story.  Period.  I respect that.  Let me say that I don’t date married men.  I don’t want someone else’s husband.  It’s the reasons why I don’t that I want to discuss today.  Those reasons are about me, not about Mr. Married P.

Since getting divorced I have met numerous married men who were interested in me.  Most I met online and never met in person.  Either they were up front about their marital status when I asked, or it came out quickly enough because of the clandestine nature of their behavior.  One I spent some time getting to know but eventually it became obvious that he was covering his tracks and lying to someone else – in addition to me.  I have heard various stories and reasons about why they were looking outside of their marriages.  When I asked whether their wives knew they were looking, the answer was usually not.  I don’t offer these men moral judgement, but they are not for me. 

You might be surprised that I don’t judge them.  Let me share my personal experience.  I was stuck in a marriage where my physical and emotional needs were not being met.  It’s hard.  I was tempted to stray.  My ex was also cheating on me.  To this day he would never admit it, but he was and I found out – undeniably.  I was trapped in a marriage with no hope of my needs being met.  I got out – that was my choice, but it wasn’t an easy choice.  Whether someone chooses to stay married or divorce when things are less than great, it’s a hard decision.  Therefore, I offer no moral judgement, but that doesn’t mean I’ll be with a man who is lying to his spouse.  I’ve had men say that “Yes, I’m married, but that is my problem, not yours.”  Translation:  I shouldn’t worry about that or be in his business. Un huh.  Bullshit.

So.  I’ve said my reasons are about me, and, I believe, yours should be about you. 

Why won’t I date married men?  Let me count the ways:

1.     I have been lied to and cheated on.  I know how it feels, even when the relationship isn’t good, and I have no desire to do that to someone else.

2.     If he’ll lie to her, he’ll lie to me.  Don’t believe it if he says he won’t.  If he was living honestly he’d either change his situation, work to improve it, or talk with her about having his needs met outside the marriage.

3.     I don’t need the drama of being a player in someone else’s divorce.

4.     I don’t need Angry Wife A showing up on my front lawn where I live with my kids.

5.     I’m looking for emotional connection, even if we aren’t going to spend the rest of our lives together.  Men who already have that connection with their wife aren’t usually looking for that from me.  Being emotionally available intimately to multiple people is a difficult balancing act.  Some men can do it, but many who claim to be capable of it, aren’t.

6.     Most married men I’ve met who have permission to play were looking for a partner to whom to give the coarser, rougher aspects of their sexuality, but they already have someone to reach for when they want the sensual or soft.  Harsh use is NOT what I seek. 

7.     I am not okay with taking a backseat, no matter what my needs might be at the time, because their wife comes first.  Don’t think she won’t.  If he’s actually worth being with, she will.  I want a partner who can be available to me when I need him, just as I will be available when he needs me.

Maybe you are willing to take some of these things on - your list is different from mine.  Maybe you like married men.  Maybe your own list also includes, “Thou shalt not commit adultery.”

My point is when you run across married men who want you – and if you’re in my shoes, you will – your reasons for your decision need to be your own.  His infidelity is about him.