Social Rudeness

There’s no social penalty for being rude.  That’s the answer.  Plain.  Simple.  Ugly.  What’s the question?  Well, take your pick:

How come they haven’t responded?

Why was he such a harsh jerk?

Who hits you up for sex in the first conversation?  What is that about?!?

Ask any similar question and this answer fits. 

One very common question is:  Why did s/he ghost me?  Same answer.  Sure, when it comes to ghosting, there are more specific replies that embrace a plethora of conjecture about what light offense you could have caused or why someone might not have been into you. 

However, for my part, I tend to think that if a person is really into another person then they’ll make a point to express interest and to follow up.  It may not be the instant gratification that some people expect and you may not always be his top or only priority, but if someone wants to be with you and makes the choice to be with you, then you’ll hear from him. 

If not, well, maybe you’ll be ignored.  Maybe you’ll be treated like an option.  Maybe you’ll be strung along.  In the end, the why comes back to:

There’s no social penalty for being rude - at least not in our modern, app and online-facilitated social lives. 

I realized this the other day as I was considering a couple of dates I’d had with a friend of a friend (Refer to The Blind Date Dance and Blind Date’s Second Date).  In truth, the dates were some of the best I’ve had in some ways, but there wasn’t any chemistry.  I knew I wasn’t interested in him for more than friendship and I wondered how to tell him in a way that didn’t make me a jerk. 

Why did I care about being a jerk?  First, because I’m a decent person.  Second, and more to the point here, because we have friends in common.  The friend who introduced us is someone I really enjoy spending time around, and she is good friends with him.  While, of course, I have no desire to be a jerk to a guy who has treated me well, I also didn’t want to piss off my friend – his friend. 

As a general rule, I don’t like to ghost.  It is not my style to leave someone hanging.  I’m one to buck up and send a message or email and call it like it is as nicely as possible.  I’ve actually made some cool friends that way.  In the present situation, though, ghosting, even if he doesn’t want to accept what I have to say, isn’t a great option.  Why?  Because in this scenario there IS a social penalty for me being rude to him.  I might have to deal with mutual friends being upset with me if I am rude.

And ghosting is rude.  Ignoring someone is rude. 

Think about that game we all played as children where a couple of friends pretend that they don’t hear a certain other kid talking to them.  The other child gets upset and frustrated and feels left out.  Ghosting is essentially the same thing.  Ignoring someone who you know said something to you classifies as giving them the ‘cold shoulder’.  How warm does that feel?

For fairness’ sake, I’ll point out that I recognize that sometimes people don’t accept it when you tell them you aren’t interested.  In that case, you may feel you’re left with no choice but to passively respond to them with silence.   At least in the instance where someone doesn’t take the hint, you tried, and the silence might be your least cold option.   

In a world where we don’t meet dates, potential mates, or lovers through common events or places – work, clubs, even church (yes, this has been suggested to me more than once) – we frequently meet online.  Sometimes people initially meet via a chance encounter out some place.  Either way, the chances are that this new person doesn’t know anyone that you know.  Maybe you don’t even know their true identity.  It’s easy to be rude to a stranger, to someone who has no social connection to you at all – people do it every day.  People with true character can and do treat strangers with respect and decency, but many people don’t. 

Phew.  So.  The next time you wonder, “Why was I ghosted?”, don’t beat yourself up.  There simply isn’t a penalty for social rudeness.