The Dating History Vortex

I have had several dates that, from the beginning, started down a path that I view to be a sticky, negative downward spiral if more than just a few cursory minutes is spent on it.  What is this negative vortex of a topic?  Your online dating history.

I recently posted about a date where this was how the conversation started, and I want to discuss this point in a bit more detail.  He started off asking me all about my online dating experiences. To be polite (and fair) I asked him about his experiences.  We traded a horror story or two, a bit longer than we should’ve dwelled in my opinion, but if the conversation had moved along at that point it would’ve been okay.  It didn’t.  He started interrogating me about my dating experiences. He said very little about his own, but he wanted to know, in detail, about mine.

When I say ‘interrogation’ I mean the following.  Which apps had I used?  How many online profiles do I have? How many dates have I had? How many men have I met in person that I initially met online?  How physical have I been with said men?  Had we had second dates? How had I handled things when the interest wasn’t mutual – my lack of interest and/or the man’s?  I would answer his question and he would immediately pose another, similar one.  It began to feel a bit like he was assigning value to me based on how extensive my list of first dates was.

For this and other reasons we did not have a second date.

Why do I view this as negative?  Well, it’s a bit like asking someone how many people they’ve had sex with.  It’s personal and it’s a novice’s question, like a virgin insisting on knowing everyone you’ve kissed.  Whether you’re interested in someone and whether you find them to be trustworthy and capable of faithfulness is much more relevant. Okay, yes, you have to be smart about dating and sex, but interrogating your date like this is pointless.

Secondly, grilling your date over anything is rude and unpleasantly aggressive.  Grilling someone about their dating history and experience is judgmental.  As it continues, it becomes apparent that you are digging to see what’s wrong with them or assign them a value based on your perception of dating.

What about when it isn’t an interrogation?  I still think it’s a problematic topic.  On another date, I went to coffee with a guy that I couldn’t help but picture on the back of a boat, fishing reel in hand.  He had a friendly manner, but we spent the entire date chatting about our dates with other people and where the best date spots were.  The discussion was much less pointed and more even, but after an hour spent visiting I still didn’t know much of anything about him.

In both of these instances I tried to change the topic several times and my dates kept going back to online dating or other first dates.  It, sort of, makes sense; if you’ve met online it’s an obvious common point.  I’ve had other dates start there, but most move on quickly enough.  A date is meant to figure out whether you want to spend more time with this other person.  When I’m trying to assess that, I don’t want to know everything about every other woman you’ve met. 

Sharing the odd experience or two can be something to bond over, however, don’t dwell on this topic.  It says something about you and your date’s potential together if you can’t find any other common ground to discuss than the fact that you both have online profiles.  If you find yourself, as I have from time to time, stuck on a date where the major, or only, topic of conversation is dating history, move on.  Find someone who finds you interesting and with whom you can have a more engaging conversation.